Our language has widely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has creating the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. ~~~ Paul Tillich  

The above quote is disturbing in how close it hits  home with me. So many times i've groused to myself "WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?"    At times it didn't matter if it was family, friend, or foe. If I was involved in writing I didn't want to be disturbed.

Writing....damn but how I miss it. I decided...I think it was the beginning of November...must of been the dread of being another year older that inspired me...anyway...i decided it was time I stop just playing with my beloved fanfiction and try my hand at an original work. You know...something that had an actual chance at being published someday. Ok..ok...OK I know it's likely little more than a foolish pipe dream and people out there are muttering to themselves...*what is this woman smoking?* BUT it has been a dream of mine since 6th grade...and that was a LOOONNNGGG time ago people. I guess everybody has a dream and this is mine. ANYWHOOO the point is I dug right into the project and was actually whipping right along for me. I have 67 pages done which adds up to a Prologue and 4 chapters...and then it happened....WRITERS BLOCK!!!   

It seems my twins life went to hell about a month and a half- two monthes ago and while looking at mine everything seems to be normal...I can't cope without her. Is that pathetic or what? I can't write to save my ass! She lives 4 and a half hours away but yet I can't seem to sit down at the computer and write unless she logs on and virtually "holds my hand!"

With writing out of the equation I stopped to look around and wondered....*where did everyone go?*

Morgy got a life ...a busy one at that with school and work to balance.

Qayin....I haven't heard from her since Christmas time...it seems she doesn't come online to play anymore ...probably more of that dreaded real life again.

Shari...she has two foster children at the moment and is busy as can be...when she isn't busy with them she spends alot of time with another single friend of hers.

Mel...I catch her online every once in a while but the time difference between the US and Germany makes that alot hit and miss. 

Brandy....my twin....between personal illness....alot of which has been brought on by stress...marital questions, 3 kids no matter how wonderful, remodeling, a death in the family, and all the trials and tribulations of friends and families piling up...it is a wonder she hasn't cracked under the strain. The last month we have been pulled apart...it's painful...I know she is torn between her promises to me that she won't run away again and her need to protect me from her moods..her need to sink into the bliss of "SOLITUDE". 

Solitude and loneliness....forever connected. Such a fine line.

I miss you all.  

"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend."
- Stone Temple Pilots

Let me give you a bit of history. Four years ago I met B. on the NET. It was a collision of kindred souls.

We were part of a close knit group of Soul Sisters but Brandy and I were so much alike the others almost immediately dubbed us the "Terror Twins" . So for the past four years my TT and I have got to know one another through the NET and the phone lines until I don't feel there is anyone that knows me any better. This last weekend I made the 4 and 1/2 hour trip to meet her in person for the first time. 

I know a lot of you are probably thinking *They waited 4 years to meet when it was only 4.5 hours away* ? Don't worry. Once I got there the same damn thought haunted me! ROFLMAOOO 

We had a blast, like we knew we would. We spent the two and a half days watching our beloved OZ like the good little PRAG's we are! Twelve episodes and we were begging for more! WEG 

We talked...and we did what we do best...we LAUGHED!

I met her three beautiful children, a boy and 2 girls, and fell in love. Her oldest is the same age as my son. He is so like Max, a handful one moment and cuddling the next. The couple of times I felt myself missing my little man...he made it all better with a sparkle in his eyes, a naughty grin, or a hug.  

The middle child is ...well... the typical middle child. LOL She is quieter then the other two but so sweet. She called me Aunt April all weekend and was constantly there to make sure I didn't need anything. She is going to be a fabulous hostess like her mother when she grows up.  

The baby. AWWW She took to me right away, which I am told is unusual! * I knew I was special  * LMAO Those of you who know me well are probably thinking...*baby....APRIL???* I DON'T like babies. Not to worry though! When I say baby in this case she is a TT in her own right....Terrible Two! She is a spoiled and demanding princess who I thoroughly enjoyed watching and interacting with during my visit ... if I had a daughter ... she would be JUST LIKE THAT!

After the dire threats of doom and gloom from friends & family that ranged from the threat of one us being a MAN that has been posing as a woman ....*remember folks...for FOUR years and countless phone conversations!* ...to visions of psychopathic ax murderers! *thats all fun and games to WRITE about but ummm...NO* Let us not forget the pointless worries that included one or both of us jumping the fence from strong willed, independent, members of the Heterosexualism straight to Lesbianism OR the fear that we would get together and after 4 years just find out we actually hated one another once we met face to face. 

*SIGH, who are these nuts we associate with?*

ANYWHOOOOO  After allllll of that.....She is everything I expected... and more. She IS my Terror Twin. I had a blast visiting her and can't wait to see her again. It won't matter what we do when we visit because we will have fun doing nothing. Our warped sense of humor makes the everyday mundane constant fodder for our amusement.

I loved the quote I found. *posted above* It's  from a  Stone Temple Pilots song and really grabbed me.

 Our mother's used to ask the stupid question...."If she jumped off a bridge would you follow?" 

The answer is ...yeah...probably...she is my Terror Twin...no matter what we are doing or where we are...I know there will be laughter.

Monday, May 9th Mike and I celebrated our 13th wedding Anniversary. In one way it seems like there is no way 13 years have passed...lord it makes a person feel old LOL...and in another way it is sometimes hard to think back to life without him!

Mike was my first...well my first of many things!  I'm sure that I am not alone in catching myself, from time to time, looking around and wondering if I had chose a diferent man where would I be now. I will honestly tell you that I know men that I think are more physically attractive, men that make me laugh more, and dear god there are RICHER men!!!   HOWEVER...I don't think there is an all around better guy for me.

Mike is just the right blend of pushover and stubborn for a lippy Scorpio Hussy like myself...ok...there are times when he REALLY should be firmer with me but DAMN do I like to get my own way!  Gods honest truth...my dad warned Mike before he married me "You have to have a firm hand with her or she will walk all over you!" WEG So the man was forewarned and STILL married me!  

So this entry is my kudos to my hubby. We don't have a red hot, passionate, all consuming love affair...we have a steady, we have worked thru the problems and you are still my best friend marriage and I wouldn't have it any other way!  

Here's to another 13 years!  and  's!

~Hussy~

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.-  

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." -- Anais Nin 

You know...the last couple of weeks the net has been fairly quiet. I log on and rarely find any of my friends or even evidence that they have been lurking about. *sighs* Without that "connection" I have been spending much less time on-line myself and have found no inspiration to write weather it be fan-fic or journal entry.

I sent out an email to one of my dear friends the other day asking her where she had been hiding. Seems she could ask me the same question!  LOL She said that she has been on and glanced around seeing no evidence of her friends and well...uninspired...has not posted. Hmmmmmmmm does that sound familiar?

SOOOO I guess in stead of sitting here waiting on someone else to get in gear and motivate me maybe I should try to be the motivating force around here!  Why didn't I think of that sooner? So here it is...a call out to all my friends..you know who you are...COME OUT AND PLAY WITH ME!!!!!!!  ROFL

WHEW!  That feels better. Now that I have that off my chest I am off to catch up on my reading responsibilities...as it seems Lisa and Mel HAVE snuck some stuff in there on me...and THEN I am going to try to *GASP* get some writing of my own done!!!! 

Sooo...LETS GO PEOPLE! Don't make me crack the whip! I understand the horrible grasp of real life but we need to find the time for ourselves as well. If I must lead by examble then so be it! I will drag you kicking and screaming back to me if I must!  Love ya all! I hope to "see" you soon!

May peace and creativity be yours!  

~Hussy

***WARNING***

This is nothing more then whining and crying so if you don't want to listen...don't read it!  

My lifeline...my sanctuary....my computer...is dead. The HORROR of it all! *sobs*  My hard drive is fried!!! This is day 3 of not having a computer at home. I dropped the computer off to the repair shop today on the way to work and he just called to confirm that it IS my hard drive and that he WILL NOT be able to rescue anything from the old one.  SO...that means my stories, my pictures, my graphics, my music, my Beecher/ Keller videos...ALL GONE!!! My favorites list....I'm sure gone. I am trying to remain up beat and look at this as a good thing, like Spring cleaning for the computer, but it is not easy. I GUESS I didn't need ALL those pictures of Bon Jovi...or the countless pictures of the WWE behemoths...or all those pictures of Beecher and Keller...ok..Maybe I NEEDED the Beecher and Keller...LOL  *drool*

ANYWHOOOO Denny...the computer guru...said that he should have it done today and if not then by tomorrow. So... hopefully the suffering will be short. I feel at a total loss without my computer! My co-worker, Bonnie...god bless her for being understanding in this time of personal stress...says that the computer is the LAST thing she wants to look at when she gets home. She even cancelled her net service at home because she wasn't using it in the evenings. On the other hand the computer is where I want to be at home! I rush through dinner so I can get to the computer!   I am happiest there...curled in my chair...chatting with my TT...My BF...my Soul Sisters and escaping into my own little world.

Sorry for boring ya all but I had to get that off my chest. To all you I love...I hope to be back soon...in the mean time...Love ya and ...

PEACE!  

Hussy

OK...I'm sure some of you are tired of hearing about this BUT the Terri Schiavo case is ripping my heart out! What they are doing by removing Terri's feeding tube is nothing short of cold blooded torture and murder. HELL even serial killers are killed quickly and fairly painlessly! What has this young woman done to be forced to suffer an agonizing death of dehydration and starvation?

When I first heard about the case I was under the misconception that Terri was a vegtable. I figured she was laying motionless on a coma like condition day after day. I figured she was hooked up to life support machines day and night. I assumed that this was a mercy killing, they would "pull the plug" and it would all be over.   

Dear God I couldn't have been more wrong.

Terri is NOT on life support any more then you or I am. I don't consider that feeding tube to be life support. I have to eat too!

Terri smiles and responds to the attention paid her by her loving mother and father.

Terri tracks the movements of people entering and moving about her hospice room.

This young woman suffered brain damage, she is not brain dead. She suffered brain damage in 1990 when her heart stopped for a few minutes from a chemical imbalance they believe was caused by an eating disorder. Her husband has moved on with his life, having 2 children with another woman now but refuses to divorce Terri. I have one symbol for you...$$$$$$$$! It all boils down to money. Why else will this man who will surely burn in hell for what he is doing (if there is ANY justice he will spend eternity hungry and thirsty), why else would he refuse to divorce her and leave her to the mother, father and sister who love her. I won't go further into the husband as the man makes me want to puke.

A man that I greatly admire, Jeb Bush, as the Gov. of Florida has been doing what he can to save this young woman. I will tell you now that I have never voted for the president of the United States of America. Those that know me know that I have never felt they gave me a canidate really worth voting for...I tell you now...If Jeb Bush ever runs for president ...this stubborn, bullheaded girl WILL VOTE FOR JEB! Jeb takes the hard stance on things that make a moral difference and he doesn't care that it is not always popular. If the Earnhardt Autopsey Photo fiasco hadn't already made me love Jeb...the Terri Schiavo case would. A select few are saying that he should do more but I feel in my heart that if there were anything that Jeb could do legally he would. In October of 2003 Governor Jeb Bush signed a bill that at that time saved Terri's life. http://www.cnsnews.com/ViewCulture.asp?Page=/Culture/archive/200310/CUL20031021d.html Her husband Michael not only decided to challenge the bill as unconstitutional but sued Gov. Bush personally. In the infinate stupidity of our judicial system...this has been overturned.

She is guilty of no crime and yet our courts are allowing her to be put to death. Today is day 12...12 agonizing days without food or even water. Stop and consider if this was your daughter?? Your sister??? She doesn't have to be blood of mine for me to feel her pain.

Please pray for Terri.

~Hussy

I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex.

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

This weekend I took my parents out to eat to celebrate their birthdays. Dad's was the 12th and Mom's will be the 24th. We went to Carraba's, a fabulous Italian place. We had such a wonderful time. Although my parent's don't live far at all, it seems that LIFE prevents us from seeing one another nearly as much as we would like. This was a quality visit. Good food, and even better Lottsa love, laughter and talking.

I have to credit My husband Mike's mission trip to Haiti as the catalyst that made me realize how much I miss something so simple as dinner with my parents. While he was gone for 10 days, the last week in January and the 1st week of Feb, my parents felt the need to "look after" Max and I. During the 10 day stretch we went out to eat with them once and to their house for dinner twice! LOL Not counting major holidays that would be more then we had sat down to eat with them in the last year!

When Mike returned they took all three of us out for steak so they could hear all about the trip which I though was so sweet as they really hadn't made it a big secret that they were less then thrilled by him going. My dad is very protective of his "little girl" and was a bit grumpy that Mike was leaving me alone and going out of the country. As much as they admire his heart they wanted him home safe and sound with their daughter and grandson!

ANYWAY...the whole point of this post is ...don't forget the simple pleasures. Make the time...TAKE the time for your family. It will be these times that you remember for a life time. Life is way too short and WAY too unpredictable not to.   

PEACE!

~Hussy~

"You can be a king or a street sweeper. But everybody dances with the grim reaper." Quote from the film Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Those of you that follow the news may have heard that Scott Peterson was sentenced to death for the murder of his wife Lacy and their unborn child.

Does anyone else find it ironic that he will spend the rest of his life at the infamous lockup that overlooks the very bay where he dumped the bodies of his wife and child like so much garbage? I hope the view haunts the mother fucker until the day he dies! He has become the 644th prisoner awaiting execution at San Quentin  State Prison. The original Death Row at San Quentin was built in 1934 and holds only 68 inmates. It is now reserved for the most senior and well behaved of those awaiting their fate. Two other buildings have been added to house the "overflow" from death row.   

Now I know this post will be a little controversial but what the hell. It is a free country and I have the right to express my opinion. I happen to believe in the death penalty and am proud to live in a state that supports it. 12 states and the District of Columbia prohibit the death sentence: Michigan, Wisconsin, Maine, Minnesota, North Dakota, Hawaii, Alaska, Iowa, West Virginia, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Vermont.

As I said Scott is at San Quentin in California so the little fuck wad is outa luck!  From what I understand...someone correct me if I'm wrong...California is such a considerate state that you can still choose to die by Lethal Injection or the Gas chamber with Lethal injection being the default in the event you don't have the balls to make a choice yourself. The BAD part of him being in California is that of the 38 states that support the death penalty California moves the slowest! The condemmed are more likely to die in prison before a date is actually set. THIS PISSES ME OFF!   

According to the state of California it costs an average of $30,929 to house an inmate for one year. I don't know about you but that is a hell of alot more then I make in a year! A good half again what I make in a year. THIS ROYALLY PISSES ME OFF!   The good Corrections Department of Texas was kind enough to tell us that the cost of the drugs to administer lethal injection.....$86.08. Think about it people. Do the math.

Now I DO understand that they deserve a chance to appeal their sentence. Over 113 people on death row have been exonerated since 1973. However there has to be some sort of limit placed on this! California says the problem is there are too many inmates with too few lawyers who are willing to volunteer for the relatively low paying job of defending these murdering, raping scum fucks. HMMM What a surprise. *SIGHS* There has to be a solution. One that I came up with is in exchange for Scholarship money have the law students agree to spend a year doing this kind of work when they get out or do so many of these cases PER year for a agreed on ammount of time. Most Lawyers make a shit load of money and it wouldn't kill them to help out the state a little. The number of inmates that have sat on Death Row for a decade, two decades, HELL there was one I heard of that sat on death row for 40 years before they executed him! 

Tell me what you think. I really want you to but for THE LOVE OF GOD don't just tell me I am wrong in my belief. If you can't tell me WHY I am wrong, how you feel, SOMETHING to back up the fact that you are calling me names and sentencing me to eternity in the fires of hell!!!  Yeah maybe a bit dramatic but I have had experience with these types!  LOL So anyway...talk to me people!

PEACE  

~HUSSY~

"When we read, we start at the beginning and continue until we reach the end.  When we write, we start in the middle and fight our way out."
Vickie Karp

You know, it's funny really. I have known my BF, Shari, for almost 20 years and still I learn new things about her. We were talking writing the other day and she informed me that it was down right impossible for her to start a story if she couldn't invision an ending. he was quick to point out that some details might change in the writing but she always had the basic idea. However to say I was stunned would be an understatement!  

That my best friend...that ANYONE...didn't go into writing the same way as I did, never crossed my mind. When I found the quote above, I must admit to a little sigh of relief. Obviously SOMEONE writes the way I do! I come up with an idea...sometimes not much more then a scene and usually somewhere in the middle of tale. That scene will haunt me until it is all encompassing!!!  It will be all I think about day and night. I have to figure out everything about the scene, who, when, why, where? I will obsess to the point of madness!

THEN I will work on the beginning of the tale only so that I can tell YOU the reader HOW my characters have come to this point and time. The beginning must be perfect. (At least perfect in my estimation) This is the era of instant gratification and the world of Fan Fiction is no different...perhaps even worse. If the first couple of paragraphs of the story do not grab the reader they are very unlikely to bother themselves with reading further. I myself am as guilty of this as anyone! THAT is why the beginning is so ALL IMPORTANT. If you don't draw the reader into your world they will never get to see that fantabulous scene in the middle of the tale.   

The END....hmmmm scary words. As I have mentioned SEVERAL times here in my journal...(HEY LOOK IT'S MY JOURNAL AND "PET" IS WHATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE)...I'm almost finished with my SVU/OZ story "His Pet". Would it shock anyone to know that even I didn't know how this one would end until a couple of weeks ago? Scary huh?LOL Most times there is little that is more frightening then the truth and this is the truth. I had no idea. I was waiting on the muses to tell ME!

Soooo...writers out there....how do you write? Share with me!

Ahhh well...the truth shall set me free. I am off to work on "His Pet" Wish me luck!

PEACE!  

~HUSSY~